


Stay With Me

by Dark Chylde (onyxfyrefly)



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Loneliness, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Short, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 21:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14680098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onyxfyrefly/pseuds/Dark%20Chylde
Summary: Imagine that after the events of The Avengers you get a job working for S.H.I.E.L.D as a researcher. Not long after you start working there you discover that Loki is back, his powers significantly dampened, and is being forced to work for S.H.I.E.L.D as well.





	Stay With Me

**Author's Note:**

> I should be studying but I couldn't get this out of my head. I wrote it in a hurry so all mistakes are mine. Please let me know what you think! And as always, comments and kudos make the world go 'round!

“Are you alright?”

You look up with a start and hastily dry your eyes. “I’m fine.” You look closer and frown. “Loki?” There was something different about him, his features were slightly blurred. To your surprise you can practically see the magic surrounding him.

He snorts then gestures at his face. “Another gift from S.H.I.E.L.D. Apparently I’m still wanted here on Earth so the same technology that dampens my magic also distorts my features when I’m in public. If you know my true face you’ll see me as I am but this keeps the other mortals at bay.” He shakes his head then turns back to you. “Enough about me, are you sure you’re alright?”

You grind your teeth together and nod. This week has been one from hell. You’re in the freaking research department so why did everything have a deadline? You’ve always been able to stay on top of things but you’ve been slipping. Each day the pressure has been mounting until you can barely handle it. To make things worse you’re so lonely and miserable that you ache. You didn’t have a lot of friends back home but there were a few that you would catch a movie with or grab a drink after work. Plus you worked in such a small office that even if you weren’t friends they would still take time to ask about your weekend. Here it was all business.

On top of it all you held a dark secret that only a few knew about. You’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for nearly your entire life. For the most part you’ve been able to cope but there have been too many dark hours to count. You lost count how many times you have tried to take your own life and even though the tattoo on your wrist encourages you to believe the demons say otherwise. The dark days were more frequent and nothing brought you any more joy. You had cried that morning when you woke up and managed to keep the tears at bay until now. Luckily it was the weekend but the ache in your body and in your heart makes you wonder if you will see another sunrise.

Loki’s voice startles you out of your thoughts. “What?”

“I was asking if I could walk you home.”

You frown. Loki never does anything nice for anyone. For all you know he could be walking you to your death. Of course, considering the state that you are in he would be doing you a favor. “Fine, whatever.”

Your apartment isn’t far and you manage to stop crying after the first block. The last thing you need is for some concerned citizen to call the police on Loki, that would be another mess that you’d have to clean up.

When you reach your apartment Loki follows you inside. You hope to deter him by walking up the many, many flights instead of taking the elevator but he doesn’t say a word. Instead of being sad now you’re angry. You just want to sit and wallow in peace, now you have a friggin’ escort.

You unlock the door and before you can slam it Loki is inside. “What the hell?”

“You seem to be in distress, is there something I can do to help?”

At his words you see red. “Of course I’m in distress. There’s a deranged villain in my living room harassing me. Just get out before I call the police. Scratch that, I’ll call the director instead.”

“Why are you so upset? Is it something that I’ve done?”

“Why does it always have to be about you?”

“Just calm down. I’ll go, I promise, just calm down first.”

You can’t stop the emotions that come pouring out of you, you’ve held them in for far too long. “Calm down...don’t you dare tell me to calm down!” Placing both hands on his chest you shove him towards the door. “Get out and leave me the fuck alone!”

Loki grabs your arms to stop you from pummeling his chest and you can’t stop the gasp of pain that the action causes. You try to pull free of his grasp but he won’t let you. Shame floods your body as he pushes up your sleeve. You keep your eyes on the ground but you feel him go very still.

For a long time he doesn’t speak and you watch your tears drip onto the carpet. He holds your arm gently and finally he asks a simple question. “Why?”

You tug on your arm and he releases it from his grasp. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Do you really believe that out of anyone I would be the least understanding?”

You don’t have an answer, you simply sink down onto the couch and curl into the corner. Loki disappears for a moment then you feel the couch dip with his weight. “If I had all of my magic I could heal these in a second but this will have to do.” With a surprisingly gentle touch he cleans the cuts on your forearm. They were a day or so old but in the struggle a few of them began to ooze fresh blood.

Once the cuts are bandaged your feel Loki turn towards you but you ignore him. You close your eyes and pray for darkness. He still holds your arm in his hands and after a moment you feel a faint buzz beneath your skin. “That should help ease the pain.”

“I like the pain.”

For several beats Loki is silent. “I noticed that all of the mirrors are covered up. Why?”

“I don’t want to look at myself.”

“But why?”

You snort. “Are you serious? You’re not blind. I’m short and fat and disgusting. Plus, half of the time people think I’m a guy before they get close enough to realize that I’m just an ugly girl.”

“That’s not true, you’re a beautiful person.”

“You’re a liar.”

Loki is quiet for a long time. “Yes...I am a liar but I have never once lied to you.”

“How do I know that you’re telling the truth?”

He sighs. “You don’t.’

You both are quiet for a long time. You wish he would just leave, that he would get tired of you and your pity and leave you to your misery. “Once you were so angry with me that I thought you would kill me...I wish you had done me the kindness.”

Loki frowns. “Don’t talk like that.” He pauses and you can hear the hesitation in his voice. “I...I would never harm you.”

“Why are you here? Why do you care?”

“Because you’re the only one who just sees me as me. You never treat me any differently, you don’t judge me or pity me. You treat me like a person not like a monster.”

“Who am I to judge? We all have our demons why should I punish you for yours?”

“But I’ve killed hundreds, probably thousands.”

You shrug. “When it comes right down to it if someone else was in your shoes they probably would have taken the same path. People don’t know what they’re capable of until their backs are against the wall. Who are any of us to judge?”

You both fall silent for a long time. You’re exhausted and just want to be left alone. “Go home, Loki.”

“I will if you promise me you won’t do anything idiotic.” You don’t answer but your frown gives you away. “You never answered my question from earlier. Why are you doing this? The mirror, the cuts...all of it.”

“Because I don’t want to be alive any more.”

“Don’t talk like that.”

“You asked, if you don’t like the answer that’s your problem.”

Again Loki falls silent. “Why don’t you want to be alive anymore?”

You sigh. “Because I’m a waste.”

“A waste?”

“Did I stutter?”

“How are you a waste?”

“Because I’m fat and ugly and stupid and I only got this job by luck and I don’t have any friends or family because I’m such a fuck up and I wish my mother had just aborted me when she had the chance.” Your words shock Loki into silence and you pray that he’ll finally get fed up and just leave.

The two of you sit in an awkward silence for ages, you’re silently challenging him to leave but you know he’s stubborn. Eventually your body betrays you and your stomach growls. You ignore it and sigh in relief when you hear Loki stand. A few minutes later he’s nudging your shoulder and pressing something into your hand. “You should eat.”

You take a few bites of whatever he handed you without tasting it before placing the plate on the table. You pull the blanket from the back of the couch and curl back up in your corner contemplating Loki’s demise.

You have no idea how long you both sat there but you do know at one point Loki waved a hand and the lights in the room suddenly came to life. Okay, so he still has some of his magic left. Duly noted.

Finally you decide that you’ve had enough and you stand. You can feel the green eyes on your back and you mumble an excuse about going to the bathroom. Surely he has the sense not to follow you.

You quickly change into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt before tossing back several sleeping pills. To top it off you add in a couple of pain killers and pray that maybe, just maybe you won’t open your eyes tomorrow. You know it’s useless though, you have a drug tolerance that is unrivaled. Even with all of the pills you know you’ll just sleep but at least you’ll get to escape this world for a few hours.

You settle back into your corner of the couch and you can tell that Loki knows something is different. You don’t look at him but you can feel his eyes on you. Now you don’t care, you can feel the blissful numbness begin to spread through your body. It doesn’t take long before you’re nearly asleep.

“I’m going to bed, lock the door behind you.” You hope that your words aren’t too slurred but everything is becoming a bit blurred and you have to keep one hand on the wall as you head towards your bedroom.

After crawling under the covers you hear your bedroom door open and close. Loki says your name and when you don’t answer you feel him gently shake your shoulder. You make a noise of protest and slowly roll to face him where he sits on the edge of the bed.

“What?” Your voice is thick and you can feel yourself being dragged down into the darkness.

“What did you do?”

“Nothing...just tired.”

“Nonsense.” You feel Loki place a hand on your forehead. “Stupid girl, how much did you take?”

“Don’t worry...I won’t die. I’ll just sleep.”

“Dammit...if I had my magic I could draw this poison from you.”

You give him a sleepy smile as he loses focus. “It’s not poison...it feels good.”

Loki swears and you feel the bed dip as he lays down next to you. To your shock he pulls you into his arms but maybe it’s the drugs making you hallucinate. “Stay with me, don’t close your eyes.”

You purposefully close your eyes and curl closer. His skin isn’t nearly as warm as you thought it would be but the embrace is nice. “Shhh...don’t worry about me. I’ve taken much, much more and survived. Once I took 50 pain killers. I slept off and on for 24 hours and was fine.”

Loki slowly rubs your back and tightens his grip. “Foolish girl. Why must you put yourself through such trials? Can’t you see how remarkable you are?”

“Why do you care? I’m just another brainless insect.” You hope your words make sense, your lips are starting to go numb.

“No you aren’t. You’re...different. I can’t describe it but there’s something about you that draws me in and I hate it yet I cannot get enough of it.”

“You’re insane.” You can’t stay awake any longer, the world is falling away.

Loki feels you go still in his arms. He quickly checks to make sure that you’re still breathing before pulling the blankets up to cover you. “Rest, my pet. We can conquer your demons tomorrow.”

The next morning you wake up with a groan. You always hate the morning after a drug-induced sleep. You don’t have a hangover exactly but everything is a bit out of focus for awhile. To your surprise you are not alone in your bed and it takes several minutes before you remember what happened the previous night.

Slowly you raise your eyes and meet Loki’s green set. There’s something there, a softness or a concern that you’ve never seen before and it pisses you the fuck off. “Oh...it’s you.” You roll to the other side of the bed and leave your back to him. You glance down to confirm that you’re still clothed and let out a small sound of relief. “I’m going to assume that we did nothing more than sleep last night. It got a little fuzzy towards the end.”

“You slept, I was up all night making sure you were still breathing.”

You roll your eyes but the effect is lost as your back is still to him. “I told you to leave.”

“And I told you I would go when I knew you wouldn’t do something stupid. You did something stupid so I stayed.”

You don’t have a reply and you hug a pillow to your chest. You don’t understand why he’s still here. A few months ago he was trying to take over the planet, not caring who lived or died in the process. Now he’s suddenly so concerned about one pathetic human...it doesn’t make sense. You try to figure out his angle but give up quickly. This is Loki, the one who is always five steps ahead of everyone else. You’ll never be able to figure out his game, you know you’re too stupid to keep up.

“Loki?”

“Yes?”

“Get out of my bed, I want to get changed.”

You can sense his hesitation but eventually he does as you ask. You change and brush your teeth before shuffling into the living room. You frown when you see Loki, despite sleeping in his clothes there is not one wrinkle. If you didn’t know better you would think that he came straight from the office.

You sink back into the corner of the couch and close your eyes, wishing that he would just leave.

“Are you feeling better?” You don’t answer and you hear Loki let out a frustrated sigh and you try not to smile. He’s finally getting sick of you. “You’ll never do it.”

“Do what?”

“Kill yourself.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you would have done it by now.”

You turn slightly to face him. “If you’re trying to push me into it then you’re doing a terrible job. I have things to get ready before then. Things I would have done yesterday if you wouldn’t have insisted on being here.”

Loki frowns. “What kind of things?”

“When I die I want it to be on my terms, when I’m ready. I don’t want anyone to scramble after I’m gone. I have letters to write and passwords to change and last meals to cook.”

To your surprise Loki is quiet. He doesn’t speak for a long time and you try to read him but his poker face is unparalleled. “Would it make any difference if I said I didn’t want you to die?”

You shake your head. “My mind is made up, it’s time. Why should you care, anyway? I’m no one...I’m nothing.”

It takes Loki several tries before he gets the word out. “Because you’re the closest thing I have to a friend.”

It’s your turn to be shocked into silence. “What are you talking about? You have friends.”

He snorts. “Do I? Really? I never really had any friends on Asgard, I was always in Thor’s shadow. My one companion was my mother and I will probably never see her again. If I ever return to Asgard I will be either executed or tossed in the dungeons. Here I am surrounded by those who hate me. My own brother doesn’t trust me any further than he can throw me, albeit that is a rather impressive distance.” He pauses and meets your eyes. “You are the one person who has actually requested my presence, asked for my help. You’re the only one who tolerates me...and I enjoy your company.”

Your throat goes dry at his words. Lost in your own misery you never thought that someone as confident and self-assured as Loki could be so lonely. “How do I know you aren’t lying to me?”

“You don’t but as I said before I have never once lied to you.” To your surprise he reaches out and gently takes one of your hands in his own. “I don’t want you to die. I want you to live, not just because you’re brilliant and your presence is needed at S.H.I.E.L.D but because of my own selfishness. I want to come down to the archives and see you covered in dust, I want to watch your eyes light up when you make a connection and I want to watch that brilliant mind of yours work as you try and put the pieces of the puzzle together.”

You know you’re shaking and you feel tears prick your eyes. “I don’t know what to do. It hurts so much. I hate my life...I hate myself.”

Gently Loki pulls you into his arms and you allow it. “I don’t hate you.”

“Why me? I’m so ugly and fat and...”

“Hush.” He brushes the tears from your cheek. “I think you are beautiful. Every inch of you is beautiful. I knew that the moment I set eyes on you. I don’t know who told you that you weren’t beautiful but they were lying. I’ve traveled across the Nine Realms and I have never met anyone quite like you.” You can’t keep the sob from slipping out and Loki pulls you close once more. “It’s going to be alright, my sweet girl. Give me your pain, your sorrow, your anger. Let me help ease the burden.”

For the first time in your life you let go. You clutch Loki like a lifeline as years of pent up emotions spill out. You cry so hard you think you’ll be sick but Loki is there, his strong arms holding you tight. He whispers words that you don’t understand but they’re soothing. You cry until you don’t have any tears left but sobs still shake your body. Finally there’s nothing left and you slump in Loki’s embrace, completely exhausted.

“Come on.” Loki helps you up and leads you down the hall to your bedroom. You sink onto the cool sheets with a sigh and happily curl up in Loki’s embrace.

“I’m sorry...” you start but he quiets you.

“Hush...there is no need to apologize. I’m honored to be given your trust and I swear I will do my best to never make you regret that decision. Now rest, I will watch over you.”

You close your eyes and listen to the steady heartbeat beneath your ear. Never in your life have you felt so safe...so peaceful...so loved. You know that this journey will not be easy but it’s comforting to know that you don’t have to do it alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget that comments are life. It just takes a second and I promise that I don't bite...hard. ;-)


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